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Emotional Health, Growth, Maturity

I’m A Black Woman

 

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No matter my tone…how polite…how courteous…how giving…how uplifting. My back hurts..the tears fall…emotions ball up…knocked down…I still crawl..I can’t stop because there is so much work to do…my accounts of my life and everyday struggles does not make me a victim…it’s my truth! Bold…outspoken..misunderstood even by those who look like me…my skin is milk chocolate…brown…nothing beats the strength of a black woman.

The grind never stops…pushing through ill thought patterns to convince myself ..I AM WORTHY!! Those who are born with it…won’t get what it’s like to struggle within…yet…I rise over and over again…each day gets easier and easier because I’m a determined BLACK WOMAN.

-me

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Growth, Maturity

I’m A Beautiful Mess

I used to think my worth was determined by my mistakes, the amount of money that was or was not in my account, my friends, my profession….all outside stimuli. I’m so glad that I know this is not truepexels-photo-127713.jpeg

One day on a quest to find me, I discovered that I wasn’t lost. The only thing that was lost was my ability to embrace the beautiful mess of a woman I am. I’ve spent so much of my life denying myself of just being me. I am Intelligent, Powerful, Confused, Hurt, and Intense. And these are just a few words that define who I am. There is not one moment of my life that defines me wholly. I’ve made mistakes, some over and over. I rose up over and over again. I’ve not always said, done, thought the most positive things, but guess what??? It’s okay.

I refuse to go through life beating myself up for merely growing. Life is a bowl of delicious lessons. I’m an advocate of self-care. And because I am, I encourage you to unravel the ropes that bind your self-worth. You determine your value; not society, not statistics, not stereotypes, not your job..not..not..not.

This post reminds me of a time in my life when I had just started my business (2011) and although I took that leap of faith. I still felt that I wasn’t doing the best. I looked around, and there were so many other product makers that appeared to be doing better than me. Honestly, I couldn’t even focus because I was so busy looking and comparing myself to others. Now that was a throat kick to my self-esteem. My worth and the worth of my handmade products were at the mercy of my own stinking thinking.

I had to ask myself how others will see my value if I don’t even appreciate who I am and what I bring to the table? It took me years to remove myself from the grasp of limited thinking and beliefs. I had to practice not comparing myself to others to understand that I am enough, just as I am.

I encourage you to embrace you just as you are at this moment. Today you may have it together; tomorrow you may be a complete mess. Notice I said complete. It is the pieces of us that make us whole. Everything that we feel is all circumstantial. And so is everything we are.

Growth happens moment by moment. Stay present and embrace the journey of being a beautiful mess. The great and the not so great. 🙂

Emotional Health

Moving From Victim To Victor

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The definition of victor is a person who defeats an enemy in a battle, game or competition.

A victim is defined as being at the mercy of something or someone.

I am familiar with both.

I am moving from being at the mercy of generational curses, relational dysfunction, sexual promiscuity, single parenthood, molestation…I’m moving from being a victim of circumstances.

Let’s talk about the daunting task of moving. We all know moving is a pain in the ass. You have to pack up boxes, go through “stuff,” CHOOSING what to keep and what to get rid of. This is typically true of a planned move. But don’t get evicted!! If you have a friendly landlord – the locks may be changed, and they give you an opportunity to pack your things and go rapidly! However, on the other side, you may come home, and all your things are on the side of the road for you to gather! And that’s what I had to do to my ego! I had to evict myself. Lay all my things out on the side of the road for me to gather.

Almost five years ago I went through a tumultuous time in my life. I was behaving in ways that were not conducive to the person I knew myself to be. I woke up at the age of 33, and when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize me. I was on a path of destruction and deliverance at the same time. The snowballing effects led to my eviction. All my bags of life were thrown out in the streets for me to gather and prepare to move. I had to sort through the bags of hurt, shame, blame, unforgiveness, guilt…
I want to touch on unforgiveness. I want to stay here for a moment. I am guilty of holding grudges because of the apology I never received or unresolved issues. I had to learn forgiveness is not for others, it’s for me!
I’m going to unpack some of my bags and after I’m done.I have to keep it moving.
I was raised by my grandmother in the housing projects of Pulaski, TN. She was raising me because my mother had me at the age of 14 and was not ready to take on the responsibility of a child. My grandmother immersed me in church. I was in church every time the doors were opened. She felt that would keep me “safe”. She felt that would help me not to go out and have sex and get pregnant. She esteemed me for being the “perfect” grandchild. But what she didn’t know is that I was having sex. Well, I got caught. I became pregnant. I remember her taking me to the clinic because she noticed I had missed my period. They gave me a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I remember that long walk down the hall. I had to break the news to her that her worst nightmare had become a reality. So there I was looking at her, and she jokingly said, “You pregnant, ain’t cha?” Tears filled my eyes, and I nodded my head yes. Tears filled her eyes. She screamed at me, “How could you do this to me?” and she smacked my face. I understood her disappointment, but I didn’t understand how she could be so angry that she would make me abort my baby. I didn’t come to understand until years later. A couple of years passed and she had an aneurysm. This led me to move to Chattanooga with my father. I graduated high school and began a relationship with my father of my children. It was so good in the beginning. As time went on it began to be a mental and emotionally abusive relationship. I stayed for seven years and finally one day I decided to end it. It was hard for me to end it because I felt he had left in such a mess that no one else would want me. I was left with lifelong scars. I knew it would take a hell of a man to love me. Nonetheless, I left. I went on a celibacy kick. It was just God and me. I remember when I wrote a letter to God during that time telling him the attributes that I needed in a husband. About six months went by, and God delivered him to my doorstep. We dated and in a short three months were married. We purchased our home, and my grandmother moved in. I spent many nights in her room. I would lay in bed with her, and we’d talk. She was old, so she wanted to make sure I understood her funeral arrangements, but I was on a quest to understand her. She raised me but growing up we didn’t talk about feelings or her childhood. So one night I asked her what her childhood was like and she went on to tell me that it was absent of love from her parents and she became pregnant at the age of 14. My grandmother had a total of 10 children. It was in that moment that I understood why she decided to have me abort my pregnancy. She was merely doing the best that she could. She wanted more for me. She wanted me to experience life. She wanted me to be a child! She wanted me to break the generational curse. She was pregnant at 14. My mother became pregnant at 14 and I became pregnant at 14!! I understood and it was in that moment that I forgave her. I carried that burden for 17 years. I carried guilt, shame, and blame. But, now I’m healing.

After my world came tumbling down, I sought counseling. And it was necessary. I had carried around so much stuff from my childhood. Healing is my mission, and I share with you in hopes to help you on your journey. Not too long ago I woke up and I asked myself the question, “Cassandra, what would be a good enough reason that you can accept for you not being successful in life?” I went through a list of things that I used for excuses not to step out in my boldness.

I said..” I don’t have a degree.” Sprit said, “So!”. I said,” What will others think?” Spirit said, “Who cares?” I said, “I’m not polished enough.” Spirit said, “Who is?” and I went on and on but there was no excuse that was valid enough for me to remain a victim of my negative thoughts or behaviors.
Yes, moving sucks but it sure is necessary especially when we remove heavy baggage. The load surely gets lighter when we decided to thank the person for the experience rather than stay angry. Thank them for polishing you because you understand a diamond is formed by applying pressure. Your job is not to conquer the world. Your job is to overcome you and then boldly take your place in the world to add value. No one can do this better than you. I’m here to encourage you to take the steps you need to heal and to move from victim to victor.

Had I remained the victim, I would not have a wonderful marriage of 13 years, a blooming business that came from the depths of my soul. My transformation has not been easy, but it was essential. The next move is UP!
Cassandra Tucker (Visionary)

Friendship, Relationships

Closure

 

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I dealt with a situation recently, and it left me feeling a little out of sorts. A very dear friend of mine stopped speaking to me all of a sudden. I replayed conversations over and over in my mind to try to get down to the real reason why she decided to “cut me off.” I went down the list..I called her on her birthday. The last time we talked we had a great conversation. I’m loyal. I have not spoken harsh words about her. I completed my mental checklist and still came up with nothing!! And it sucks when a person has no idea of what they did to deserve such treatment!! I’ve taken my time, this time, to dissect my feelings and not resort to petty antics because my feelings were hurt. My first inclination was to delete her from all social media!! I’ll beat her to it, I thought to myself. And yeah, while I’m at it, I’ll erase her contact information from my phone too!! LOL!! Then I sat back and said, “Cassandra, you are 37 years old! This is not how you respond.”

So here are some takeaways that I learned from this life lesson.

 

1) It is not my job to chase an adult around to figure out what the issue is if they have chosen not to bring it to me for us to address. The only way we resolve issues and misunderstandings is to talk about it.

2) If I know, I have been loyal and attempted to be the best human being I could be toward that person; there is no need to second-guess myself. I’m free to walk away with no regrets.

3) It’s not about me. Although my feelings are hurt, I don’t get to determine how someone else can and will handle a situation. I may not like it, but I will respect it.

4) I don’t have to harbor any ill feelings. I have to make peace with what is.

5) Move forward.

If you have ever experienced a situation like this it and you are an empath, it is a hard pill to swallow. It’s hurtful if you have high expectations of the friendship for things to end this way. But we have to realize that it was not time wasted. There are lessons in every stage of life. I hear it gets easier after 40…one day you just wake up not giving a damn..LOL!!!

If you have experienced a similar situation, I’d love to hear how you handled it.

Comment Below!

I look forward to chatting with you.

-Cassandra