The definition of victor is a person who defeats an enemy in a battle, game or competition.
A victim is defined as being at the mercy of something or someone.
I am familiar with both.
I am moving from being at the mercy of generational curses, relational dysfunction, sexual promiscuity, single parenthood, molestation…I’m moving from being a victim of circumstances.
Let’s talk about the daunting task of moving. We all know moving is a pain in the ass. You have to pack up boxes, go through “stuff,” CHOOSING what to keep and what to get rid of. This is typically true of a planned move. But don’t get evicted!! If you have a friendly landlord – the locks may be changed, and they give you an opportunity to pack your things and go rapidly! However, on the other side, you may come home, and all your things are on the side of the road for you to gather! And that’s what I had to do to my ego! I had to evict myself. Lay all my things out on the side of the road for me to gather.
Almost five years ago I went through a tumultuous time in my life. I was behaving in ways that were not conducive to the person I knew myself to be. I woke up at the age of 33, and when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize me. I was on a path of destruction and deliverance at the same time. The snowballing effects led to my eviction. All my bags of life were thrown out in the streets for me to gather and prepare to move. I had to sort through the bags of hurt, shame, blame, unforgiveness, guilt…
I want to touch on unforgiveness. I want to stay here for a moment. I am guilty of holding grudges because of the apology I never received or unresolved issues. I had to learn forgiveness is not for others, it’s for me!
I’m going to unpack some of my bags and after I’m done.I have to keep it moving.
I was raised by my grandmother in the housing projects of Pulaski, TN. She was raising me because my mother had me at the age of 14 and was not ready to take on the responsibility of a child. My grandmother immersed me in church. I was in church every time the doors were opened. She felt that would keep me “safe”. She felt that would help me not to go out and have sex and get pregnant. She esteemed me for being the “perfect” grandchild. But what she didn’t know is that I was having sex. Well, I got caught. I became pregnant. I remember her taking me to the clinic because she noticed I had missed my period. They gave me a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I remember that long walk down the hall. I had to break the news to her that her worst nightmare had become a reality. So there I was looking at her, and she jokingly said, “You pregnant, ain’t cha?” Tears filled my eyes, and I nodded my head yes. Tears filled her eyes. She screamed at me, “How could you do this to me?” and she smacked my face. I understood her disappointment, but I didn’t understand how she could be so angry that she would make me abort my baby. I didn’t come to understand until years later. A couple of years passed and she had an aneurysm. This led me to move to Chattanooga with my father. I graduated high school and began a relationship with my father of my children. It was so good in the beginning. As time went on it began to be a mental and emotionally abusive relationship. I stayed for seven years and finally one day I decided to end it. It was hard for me to end it because I felt he had left in such a mess that no one else would want me. I was left with lifelong scars. I knew it would take a hell of a man to love me. Nonetheless, I left. I went on a celibacy kick. It was just God and me. I remember when I wrote a letter to God during that time telling him the attributes that I needed in a husband. About six months went by, and God delivered him to my doorstep. We dated and in a short three months were married. We purchased our home, and my grandmother moved in. I spent many nights in her room. I would lay in bed with her, and we’d talk. She was old, so she wanted to make sure I understood her funeral arrangements, but I was on a quest to understand her. She raised me but growing up we didn’t talk about feelings or her childhood. So one night I asked her what her childhood was like and she went on to tell me that it was absent of love from her parents and she became pregnant at the age of 14. My grandmother had a total of 10 children. It was in that moment that I understood why she decided to have me abort my pregnancy. She was merely doing the best that she could. She wanted more for me. She wanted me to experience life. She wanted me to be a child! She wanted me to break the generational curse. She was pregnant at 14. My mother became pregnant at 14 and I became pregnant at 14!! I understood and it was in that moment that I forgave her. I carried that burden for 17 years. I carried guilt, shame, and blame. But, now I’m healing.
After my world came tumbling down, I sought counseling. And it was necessary. I had carried around so much stuff from my childhood. Healing is my mission, and I share with you in hopes to help you on your journey. Not too long ago I woke up and I asked myself the question, “Cassandra, what would be a good enough reason that you can accept for you not being successful in life?” I went through a list of things that I used for excuses not to step out in my boldness.
I said..” I don’t have a degree.” Sprit said, “So!”. I said,” What will others think?” Spirit said, “Who cares?” I said, “I’m not polished enough.” Spirit said, “Who is?” and I went on and on but there was no excuse that was valid enough for me to remain a victim of my negative thoughts or behaviors.
Yes, moving sucks but it sure is necessary especially when we remove heavy baggage. The load surely gets lighter when we decided to thank the person for the experience rather than stay angry. Thank them for polishing you because you understand a diamond is formed by applying pressure. Your job is not to conquer the world. Your job is to overcome you and then boldly take your place in the world to add value. No one can do this better than you. I’m here to encourage you to take the steps you need to heal and to move from victim to victor.
Had I remained the victim, I would not have a wonderful marriage of 13 years, a blooming business that came from the depths of my soul. My transformation has not been easy, but it was essential. The next move is UP!
Cassandra Tucker (Visionary)